Marci

I have been absent from lj for a while, and I know that while I sometimes get caught up in real life and forget to write down what's been happening, I have been staying away lately for a different reason. My Grandma died on the fifth on this month. She was diagnosed with brain cancer just a week before.
I took it a lot harder than I thought I would, and it's still hard to talk about or think about. The magnetic force that was the center of my family is gone now and... words completely fail me. I don't know what to say except that I would rather not talk about it out loud, I hate typing the words because they are true and I wish that they weren't.
I know I'll update soon about shit that doesn't matter, like how much money I spent on shoes or my vacation to Phoenix or whatever.

Quite possibly my new favorite picture.

Sooooo. How are you guys?
Just asking because I want to brag about how great I'm doing. I went and saw No Doubt last night, which I am absolutely sure was better than whatever boring, stupid thing you did last night (*cough*cough*DON*cough*).

( we almost blew away )

Anywho, I had fun. And I almost hurled.

Wolverine was good. And, there were some really kick-ass previews at the beginning.
I don't know why I cry so much about things that I can't change. I kept having these crying fits at work today, so I got sent home. The weird thing is that I didn't cry last night, probably because I hadn't had the crazy dream yet.
I just want to sleep and not wake up until I am officially over this shit.

no doubt tickets- $80
third eye blind tickets- $20
incubus tickets- $60
feeling like it's 1997 again? PRICELESS.
(does not include the $100+ I will spend on gas driving to ABQ for 3eb and ND, or Glendale for incubus).

I CANNOT WAIT until I'm not broke anymore. Fortunately, God is smiling down on me right now. THANKS, JESUS. Let the good times roll!

The title of the entry is actually the only solids I had ingested all day until I got to my sister's house. Even now I'm dreading what my stomach will do with the little bit of food I ate since getting here.
I have spent the past couple of weeks feeling slightly ill, and the past three days feeling AWFUL. I don't remember feeling this horrible the last time I got sick. I just remember suddenly losing, like, twenty pounds in the space of two weeks and then having a difficult time sleeping (because my bones would ache) and breathing (because my lungs felt like they were strapped with iron bands). This is just the beginning. I know I shouldn't be so happy about it, but I'm kind of tired of feeling fat. I know I wasn't any happier when I was bony like that, but at least I didn't feel like a heifer.
I am happy about something, though. I'm going to Glendale in August to see Incubus. How pathetic is it when your favorite band has an album coming out and is going on tour and you don't even know about it until just before? Bad me.
Deftone Dani is in town. We're going out to dinner tomorrow-you should all be jealous that I'm getting together with such a hot chick.

I am NOT someone who lets go easily (just ask any of my exes). That's why today was so difficult.
( believe me, I fucking cried )

I did get something new. The noodle rocket. Mebbe I take pictures when the sun is out and I don't feel like barfing a little.

So, I have something kind of exciting brewing right now but I don't really want to say anything just yet, in case it doesn't pan out.
I've been pretty happy though. Is that enough news?

I feel like I should say...
That when I talk about my former life, it's more than something I think about in passing. It was a good time, and not just a time. There were a million things that tied me to that. People, places, things...Strings that were tied all at once and unraveled one at a time over months and years. It still hurts to think about all of those things and I really don't take it lightly.

I feel like I've been spending so much time lately planning and executing mix cds.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent Kate this care package with a cd, some skittles, and a book and I just finished making her another one because she liked the first one so much. I was typing up the liner notes at work and Jenna got curious, so now I'm making her a cd of her own.
Anyhoodle...
I am putting off ordering my Bellatrix Tonner until the end of the month because she's close to $200 and I just put in a comic book order this afternoon. Plus, I offered my mom $200 this week to help her with her contribution towards my Gramps' funeral. So, I'm kinda tapped right now.
I always feel like I have a million things to say until I sit down to write an entry.

My Grandpa died last Wednesday. He was 82.
Thanks to all of you that told me that you would be praying for me.
There's not really so much sadness as relief. It really hurt, to see him sick and unresponsive to anyone. And it was comforting to me, at least, to know that he died like most people hope to go-at home, surrounded by his family. All in all, everyone is dealing with this pretty well. My aunts are travelling to Mercedes (where he was born) this weekend to put my Grandpa's ashes in the family tomb with his parents and siblings.
Since we got back, my allergies have been a million times worse than ever and all I want to do is sleep.

Oh my Lord,
Thank you for every wonderful thing you have done for me. For giving me teh interwebZ so I could discover Tonner dolls, for letting a copy of Twilight find it's way to me last spring, and for letting the UPS guy find my house this afternoon so that I could get my Edward Dollen.

( DEADWARD!!! )

In other news, we went back to El Paso this weekend to see my Gramps again. He wasn't supposed to make it through Thursday night (according to the hospice nurses). But, he's still hanging on by some miracle. He doesn't talk, he doesn't respond, but he still opens his eyes. It's strange to see him so wasted like that. Not really painful anymore, but strange.
Before I left, I was thinking that it's times like these that it is really difficult to be single. Most of the time, being alone is like having a phantom limb. Something is missing and sometimes you feel an echo of it there, a shadow...sometimes a stab of pain and you remember that it's gone. But mostly, the empty side of the bed doesn't really hurt until I see that there is no one there to hold my hand or tell me that everything will be okay, that crying is okay. Someone that doesn't care that I look like a wreck, that pushes me to wake up and go to work when all I feel like doing is wallowing in bed. I am alone and I deal with it alone. And it hurts like almost nothing else in the world, because everytime I lose I am reminded of everytime I have lost someone before and it doesn't get easier at all. It just gets harder.
Back to work tommorrow. I feel the joy coming on already.

The shitstorm hit this weekend.
And now I am tired and trying to figure things out that I didn't think that I had to figure out any time soon. Truthfully, I don't have to figure them out anytime soon but I feel a sense of urgency to do it now.
I'll write more once I kind of know what to say.

I can't believe that I put off packing until this afternoon. I usually need about four days to pack, starting with the initial pre-packing to make sure I have extra room for anything I will pick up on my trip, and just in case I change my mind about what to wear. Plus, I always pack for different weather and unexpected situations (going out to a bar, semi-fancy dinner, etc.), so the whole thing usually takes quite a bit of time.
Anyhoodle, I found out that Tonner is going to ship out my Dollen on the week of March 9th. YAY! I am so excited. Annndndndnd, No Doubt tickets go on sale the 7th. AWESOME. THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
I ended up changing my number last night. It had literally been WEEKS since I had replied to dude's text messages, and then yesterday I got two. One at about four-thirtyish, the next close to nine. Both were just like, "hey, how's it going"-but yeah...I didn't want to give this guy any more opportunities to make me uncomfortable or grossed out. It only took about ten minutes to get the number changed (THANKS, VERIZON-YOU ARE AWESOME!!!). Then I had to mass-text everyone on my phone list that I actually wanted to have access to my number. That was fun. I got a ton of text messages this afternoon asking why but I didn't really want to get into any detailed accounts with anyone.
I did get some awesome news today, though. One of my old co-workers and friends, Jeff, came into the bank today. We started talking about random crap and I asked how his girlfriend Ari was, and he told me that he's planning on proposing on the eighth! I told him that he was the only one of friends that I could sincerely say was, in my opinion, making an excellent choice in getting married. I might be biased, because Ari and I really REALLY get along, but I love her and think they are great together. I know that they have had their problems in the past, and even broken up for a while (maybe even a couple of times, I know she moved out once), but they have been going strong for the last two years. They bought a house about eight months ago and I only ever see them happy. I am so so so glad for them and hope everything works out.

I just paid for the Deadward Tonner Doll...$135.94 with shipping. I feel like someone just punched me in the (totally metaphorical) balls. My horoscope always lies, but today it said that I would find a resolution to something I had been worrying about. I was worrying about how to get my doll without having to whore myself out, and then I finally sucked it up and took some money out of my savings this afternoon...so, good job, Jacqueline Bigar! Mind you, I opened the account specifically to save up for this doll, but it still stings. It's pretty funny that I balk at buying shoes that cost more than forty bones, but I'll dig up more than three times that amount for vinyl with rooted saran hair.
I know that some people might think it super naff of me to go around blowing perfectly good clothes money on dolls, but part of the thrill of shopping for me is to find something completely awesome for super cheap, like the Calvin Klein dress I got for fifteen bucks. I don't like to spend a vast amount on individual pieces. I like to buy a lot of stuff and feel like I've gotten a bargain on all of it.
Today was pretty good, despite the fact that it seems to be "run the stop signs" day here in Santa Fe. Which is great. You know, because it comes on the same day as Mardi Gras so I feel safe as anything on the roads tonight. But besides that, I got quite a bit done. I mailed out some bills and stuff, and then I went digging for a book that Don loaned me a million years ago, called "Cheer Up, Emo Douche" or something along those lines.
Which reminds me that I'm really excited. I know you're going to read this, but I don't care. Read on! I haven't seen Don since right before I drove off into the sunset towards Arizona. And before that, I think it had also been over a year. I have known Don for like, seven years and one of the greatest things about our friendship is that we hardly ever see each other, as we were a bit of a sore spot for each other's significant others, if that makes sense at all. But yeah, I am excited and kind of nervous-mostly because I'm always afraid that he thinks I'm totally retarded and that is the last time he will want to talk to me.

Annnnnd,
I have to ask for advice now, because I feel kind of bad.
A couple of months ago, this guy asked me for my number at work and I gave it to him because I am stupid. I just didn't want to turn him down in front of his friends, and he totally caught me off guard by asking anyways (mainly because that kind of stuff almost never happens to me). I could pretty much tell right off that it wouldn't work out between us because he was wearing a Toby Keith T-shirt, which was definetely a TURN-OFF. And it just got worse. He is a texter. Anyone that knows me pretty well knows that I hate text-messaging with a burning fiery passion. I mean, it's okay for quick casual inquiries, but if you want to have a conversation with me, FUCKING CALL, OKAY?!?! Plus, he would always try to text me while I was work. I would just quickly reply, "I'm at work" and he would take it as an invitation to text away about bullshit...when I really couldn't get into a conversation because I WAS WORKING.
A couple of weeks ago, he texted me to ask for a "cute or sexy picture" and all I could think of was those girls on myspace with boobs out and dignity tossed to the wind and I flatly refused, and then stopped replying to his text messages. I thought after a week and a half of no contact that maybe he had gotten the hint, but apparently not. He started texting me again a few days ago and I still haven't replied.
Am I being mean? But the most pressing question is, should I change my effing number?

I tried to post this earlier, but it didn't come out quite right. So here is my closet, along with captions.
( clicky-click for pictures )

So, I got my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday morning and spent the rest of the day hugged up to an icepack and my bottle of hydrocodone and eating banana-flavored popsicles. It was a good day, up until nighttime when the pain in my face would not let me sleep for more than two hours. I woke up at midnight and watched "The Bachelorette", the one with Trista and Ryan and finally exhausted myself back to sleep with a Nancy Grace rerun.
Today has been equally fun. Once the hydro wears off, I'm grouchy and completely unhappy. I wonder if I'll be able to function at work on Friday with or without it. Sucks. I don't really even want to go back that soon.
Oh yeah, there was good news today. In honor of Valentine's day (which I am spending all aloney on my owney again), and the fact that cherishedfriends.com was have a HUGENORMOUS sale, I ordered myself a Lyra Silvertongue Tonner. She was only $79.99. She normally retails for $179.99 at the Tonner store, and she's LE 1000. I think I like being single because of the fact that I always know exactly what I want as a gift, and instead of spending that money on a gift I'm not sure that someone else will like, I just buy myself something that I know I want and will truly be grateful for. I'm not saying that my significant others didn't get me some cool shiz (Josh was particularly good at nailing it right on the head without me making lists or flat-out telling him), but I know myself and what I like best, and I don't skimp when it comes to price-especially when I'm buying for myself. I didn't plan on buying her before, but she was really cheap and I just finished "The Subtle Knife" and really fell in love with the character. Plus, someone needs to kill the doll-shelf catfights between Princess Leia doll and Hermione Granger.

I cried at work today. Sometimes I just get tired of being treated like a dog. People constantly talk to us like we're stupid and that gets old really fast.
But besides that...
The past few days have been pretty good. I have the power of Calvin (Klein) to help me. I get my wisdom teeth pulled next Tuesday and I am really looking forward to sleeping and loafing and going into Percocet comas for three days in a row.
What I am NOT looking forward to is Darlene's move, which is coming up next week. This Friday is her last day at work. Sad. She has been my friend for a long time and I know she has to try to work it out with Steve in Arkansas, but I will miss her a lot.

I opened a savings account today. The sole purpose of said account is to accumulate funds for expensive toys, like the Bellatrix Death Eater Mask and a Serafina Pekkala Tonner doll. And maybe a flat panel tv. Whatever. I saved money when I got my Leia Doll on deep discount at Hastings, and the profits from my paintings are going in there to pay for more things I really don't need. YAY, things I don't need!!!

Dani's coming to visit in April. Exciting. Now all I need is to schedule my once-yearly visit with Don. We only got a twenty-minute visit last year.

I am VERY happy right now.
Why?
Because Tonner launches his line of '09 dolls tommorrow, and I'm not that broke right now. Also, I got that nice little discount from Tonner for pre-ordering my sparklepants Cullen doll. Plus, life has been pleasantly rolling along for the past couple of days. I am still working like a freaking dog, but at least I'm seeing something from it.
I am going to photolog my crazy closet at some point in the next couple of days so that people can see that there is no over-exaggerating my situation.

I have been having trouble sleeping lately, and I totally understand why it makes some people suicidal. You get irritable, you hurt EVERYWHERE...
This is weird, but...
I came to the realization that, as much as I have complained about it in the recent past, I am not ready for a relationship right now. I'm not even ready to go out on a date with anyone. It just feels like way too much pressure. I'd rather stay at home reading or doing something else other than trying to get to know someone new. I just don't feel into it.
Sorry cowboy dude.

Christmas was good this year! I cleaned up in the gift card department, so of course I went and bought CD'S!!!! But of course, I had also bought cd's BEFORE I got the gift cards, so in the past week I've gotten:

Bloc Party-Intimacy
Fall Out Boy-Folie A Deux
Weezer-Weezer (duh with the title, but I got the Blue Album)
Sarah McLachlan-Greatest Hits Collection AND Mirrorball
Maroon 5-Call and Response

The Bloc Party cd was something I had been wanting but never remembered to get until I was looking for something else at Target, and saw it-and of course I remembered that I wanted it and whatnot. The Fall Out Boy cd SUCKS ASS. I liked Infinity On High, but it's one of those things that I don't really listen to anymore and Folie A Deux sounds like a totally wank. Weezer was something that got stolen ages ago, and I never replaced it because other things I wanted kept coming out. Weezer isn't the only thing that this has happened with. I have about fifty cds that were stolen at the same time that I still haven't replaced, and might never because I don't remember half of them and have outgrown most of the rest. The Sarah McLachlan came from a sentimental hippie moment (plus, mirrorball was only eight bucks at wal-mart).
The Maroon 5 cd is actually pretty awesome. I'm loving the Questlove remix of Sunday Morning. It probably helps a lot that I really love the original material.

On a sad note:
I was driving around the other day and...well, I should start with a greater explanation.
Despite the massive and ever-growing size of my cd collection, I carry them ALL with me when I go anywhere. I do this because I know that if I only carried a small portion of them with me, I would always want to listen to something that was at home. Sometimes I just throw on random crap that I haven't listened to in a long time because I'm not in the mood for anything specific.
Also, as part of the story, I should explain that a great deal of my memories (good and bad) are strongly tied to music. Songs don't only make me remember events, they make me remember sights, scents, FEELINGS, people...There are songs that as soon as I hear them I am taken back so forcefully and completely against my will. Therefore, there are certain things I absolutely can't stand to listen to.
So anyway, I threw on the Garden State soundtrack. The first song on the album is a Coldplay song, "Don't Panic". I love this song, have loved the song since I first heard it. But, the song reminds me of a particular douchebag of epic proportions that I once dated. The song reminds me of crying and driving around my hometown. It's a horrible, sickly feeling that I get listening to that. AND I LOVE THAT SONG. I feel like there are some songs that I loved before, and I have basically robbed myself of any positive feelings about them by inadvertently attaching them to crappy situations or crappy people or the stupid way I felt about stupid crappy people. A BIG example of this is Light Grenades (!!!). Great songs, great album by one of my favorite bands. It reminds me of the fall of 2006, when I was sick and leaving a job that I loved for one that would have sent me to my grave, and mooning over someone that I spent years chasing, who might never have loved me at all.
WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!
From now on, I will make musical enjoyment a solitary activity, or one that happens around people I know won't screw me over and ruin something great for me.
I hope you're happy, everyone that made me hate music.